If there’s one thing guaranteed to fuck you up mentally, it’s being in a emotionally abusive relationship. And if like me, you’re someone who’d rather push your feelings down instead of feeling them, you could find yourself in a very dark, very dangerous place.
Narcissists are master manipulators. They twist situations, memories and words to their advantage. They lie without conscience and will sabotage even the most important of people for their own gains. Narcs have no insight into their own behaviour, and no intention of ever changing, no matter how many crocodile tears they spill.
Narcissists are incapable of love. They are cheaters and thieves of time. They are two faced, inappropriate and have no regard for other people’s space or belongings.
Narcissists do this, narcs do that. It’s a complicated personality disorder and one I’ve gone round and round in my head about.
You see, I was married to one. For a very long time. For so long I thought I might be losing my mind.
In fact the narcs abuse is what prompted this whole renewed blogging journey (I’ve blogged before you know).
Because whilst I can see how damaging he is (I’m triggered by notifications on my phone, and the mere thought of having to speak to him can have me panicked for days), it’s how easy it was for him to control me that is really most interesting.
Don’t get me wrong. I hated that fucker. I wanted to smash his stupid face in. He was cruel and dismissive and abusive. He treated me like a piece of meat. A handy piece of meat who could do every little thing he ever wanted, but also was a stupid bitch.
But I wanted to be in a good and happy marriage. I wanted the dream. I wanted to be married to the man I thought he was.
So maybe if I was good, and did his bidding, he would see me. Maybe he could love me.
Personally I see a pattern here. A pattern of always trying to be for everyone else. And never giving me a chance to be me.
You see, as a kid growing up, being caught out being yourself was pretty much the most humiliating thing that could happen to a person.
So, you become an empty shell. And if you’re really unlucky one day you meet someone who sees that emptiness as an opportunity. An opportunity to swallow you whole.
And before you know it, you’ve well and truly vanished.