When you’re the mother
And I am the competition
All you wanted was for me to go away
All you wanted was to mock and humiliate
To make me small.
But I was already small.
You thought I took something away from you.
I stole your shine. I stole your limelight.
But I never wanted it.
I never wanted yours.
I just wanted my own small piece.
You hate me, you know?
You can’t even see it
Because you’re trying to be good.
Trying to be enlightened.
But you can’t be enlightened
If you never expose yourself to the dark.
Lately, when I look in the mirror I see my mother’s face. I see her mouth, her eyes, the pores of her skin.
I don’t hate my mother, nor do I resent her. But I see my relationship with her more clearly now.
As a child I felt flawed, like a mistake inside me made me unlovable. She was distant and cold.
As an adult (and I’ve been one for a while now) I realise that my relationship with her is the same.
And I’m still taking the blame for it. I’m older now, I have the life skills to really create a proper close relationship with her. And it’s just not happening. I’m waiting for her approval, her interest.
She’s a new age hippy type. She loves crystals and talking to angels. But her heart is closed. And I am confused.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been waiting for her to save me from drowning, but her back is always turned. She’s looking the other way.
And so, I’m letting her go. Which is strange, as I see her everyday as I put on my makeup, as I do my hair.
I don’t feel bad, or sad. I feel free. And maybe she does too. Maybe the burden of my expectation has been weighing her down. Maybe she just wants to fly away.
Fly away mumma. It’s ok.
Every parent is doing the best they can with the skills they have at the time.
At least that’s what they say.
But what if that just isn’t enough?
What if, you (me really) deserved better?
What if you deserved to know you were loved?
What if you deserved to feel accepted, unconditionally.
What if a hug, or a kiss good night as you were being tucked into bed, what if that was the thing that would have made all the difference?
What if, instead of being made to feel like an outsider, or being told to go away, you were made to feel safe and wanted and important?
What if you deserved all of that, and your parents just fucked it up?