Take a long line

Sometimes I fall into the trap of not knowing my own mind, after all this time.

I’ve found myself so intertwined and enmeshed in the personalities of others that I think I like what they like.  Their friends should be my friends.  Their interests should be mine.
And yet I find myself increasingly unsettled.  If these people are my friends, why are they not acting like it?  Because they don’t know?  They don’t know we should be friends?
Why did I convince myself for years that I liked cheesecake?  Because someone I admired and wanted to be close to liked cheesecake.  Why do I insist on creating worlds that aren’t real?  Why must I contrive circumstances that are false and then find myself disappointed when the facade falls away?

Why am I projecting my desires onto people who are only people?  Why do I continue on the rollercoaster of expectation, disappointment and acceptance?  Like a ride at the fair in a nightmare.  I don’t want to get on.  I have no choice.

How strange this thing is that I have done.

Advertisements

Praying

I’ve been in a bubble.

It’s quiet there and my thoughts come and go.

Not bad.  Not good.  Just flowing through me.

Without judgement I’ve learnt about fear.

Fear inside me, fear of perfection and my inability to find it, has created a deep dark pit.

It’s a bottomless pit that I’ve filled with self loathing.  Everyday, spooning a little more in until the blackness reaches the top.

The hole is so full.  And so now I’m spooning that hate out into the world.  A little dollop for you.  Plop plop plop.  I hate myself.  Let me show you how hateful I can be.

Everyday I pray for change.  I pray I can hold on to the understanding.

I pray I can pull myself out of the depths.

I don’t belong there.