Others

Help me.

Help me to see the harm I cause.  Help me to see the drama I create.

I’m trying to be me.  But sometimes I am ego.  Sometimes I push and people don’t seem to like that.

Can I ever be accepted?

Will I ever be?

Or will I have to say goodbye to those for whom I am too much?

Should I say say goodbye?

Should I give up hope?

Or should I strive to be the bigger person?  

To make space and wait for others to catch up?

What if they don’t and I spend my life on a treadmill

Being twisted and run into the ground?

How can I exist in a world, working through my issues with others who are not?

And is that even my business?

What’s your dream?

I’m not living my dream.

I’m not living it because I am broken.

I don’t know what life looks like, to not be broken.

What’s my dream?

My dream is to be ok.

Is that a thing I can live?

Can I live at being ok?

Can I fake it?  Should I?

Is that what everyone else does?

Really, is that what the rest of the world is doing?

Just faking it till they make it?

Is that how one feels fulfilled?

That seems empty.  And I am already empty.

Empty and full, all at once.

Inside

It’s hard, isn’t it?

To be good.  To work on yourself.  To not judge.

To be patient and kind.

To always be thinking.

To second guess.  To fall down.

And get back up.

And hope that with every passing year you’re just that little bit better.

I hope, before I die, I am fixed.

That’s where I want to be.

I want to know the things I don’t know now.

I want to understand

And find peace.

Mommie Dearest

When you’re the mother

And I am the competition

All you wanted was for me to go away

All you wanted was to mock and humiliate

To make me small.

But I was already small.

You thought I took something away from you.

I stole your shine.  I stole your limelight.

But I never wanted it.

I never wanted yours.

I just wanted my own small piece.

You hate me, you know?

You can’t even see it

Because you’re trying to be good.

Trying to be enlightened.

But you can’t be enlightened

If you never expose yourself to the dark.

Today

Today I am absent.  Avoiding.  I feel myself sitting back, behind my eyes, looking out.  Not feeling, not thinking.  Just nothing.

If you could see me, you would not.  I am blank, inside and out.  I am washed away, like a stain on the sand.  Like a splash of blood.

When I am nothing, then there is nothing and I can be ok.  I can pretend that the world and its hurt (my hurt) does not exist.

It cannot impact me.

And I’ll be fine.

In the night. In the dark.

Some wounds go deep.  They burrow down and take root in the mud and mire of life’s little pains.

They are wounds that we glimpse out of the corner of our eye, like a ghost or a shadow.

They are the thing we pretend is not there.

They are the wounds that twist fear in our stomachs, way down in the dark of our being.

Just a flash.

Ooops, there’s a thing I should be looking at, working on.

Abandonment. Resentment. Neglect.  Abuse.

These things scar us, and direct us.  They take us on a journey whether we look at them or not.

They are in us.  They are us.

Take a long line

Sometimes I fall into the trap of not knowing my own mind, after all this time.

I’ve found myself so intertwined and enmeshed in the personalities of others that I think I like what they like.  Their friends should be my friends.  Their interests should be mine.
And yet I find myself increasingly unsettled.  If these people are my friends, why are they not acting like it?  Because they don’t know?  They don’t know we should be friends?
Why did I convince myself for years that I liked cheesecake?  Because someone I admired and wanted to be close to liked cheesecake.  Why do I insist on creating worlds that aren’t real?  Why must I contrive circumstances that are false and then find myself disappointed when the facade falls away?

Why am I projecting my desires onto people who are only people?  Why do I continue on the rollercoaster of expectation, disappointment and acceptance?  Like a ride at the fair in a nightmare.  I don’t want to get on.  I have no choice.

How strange this thing is that I have done.

All is not lost

You have to do things differently, try a different thing, if you want things to change.

When you would normally panic, stay calm.  When you would normally crumble, stay firm.

When you feel like running, stand your ground.  When you’re sure you’re drowning, swim.

Easy enough to say.  The mind is a stubborn creature.  It’s hard to change.  And when confronted will always do what it knows best.  It will always return to type.

But what if the brain’s not really in charge.  What if the heart decides?

I am strong.  I am smart.  I can cope with what’s coming.

It won’t always be perfect.  It probably never will be.

But I’m climbing towards the light, stronger, clearer.

And the light is beautiful.  And it’s waiting for me, to be me.

Deep water

The dark waters are pulling me down again.

They pull me down to awareness, they pull me deeper into myself.

And I know I shouldn’t panic.  I know I should have faith.

I’ve been strong, I will continue to be strong.

But fear is ingrained.  It is learnt and it is taught.

And unlearning is hard.

Fear is the place I go to when challenges arise.

It is the never ending thing I keep returning too.

It is punishment when the punisher has left the building and moved away.

 

Surrender, because what we resist, persists.

And I don’t want to be in the dark anymore.  Not forever.

Praying

I’ve been in a bubble.

It’s quiet there and my thoughts come and go.

Not bad.  Not good.  Just flowing through me.

Without judgement I’ve learnt about fear.

Fear inside me, fear of perfection and my inability to find it, has created a deep dark pit.

It’s a bottomless pit that I’ve filled with self loathing.  Everyday, spooning a little more in until the blackness reaches the top.

The hole is so full.  And so now I’m spooning that hate out into the world.  A little dollop for you.  Plop plop plop.  I hate myself.  Let me show you how hateful I can be.

Everyday I pray for change.  I pray I can hold on to the understanding.

I pray I can pull myself out of the depths.

I don’t belong there.